Bet on England

World Cup preparations continue apace here at the 'Brokes. The well-oiled machine is positively throbbing with anticipation. The boys in marketing have scaled down their pub lunches from an hour and a half to just one hour and the canteen manager has been looking up ways to deep fry sauerkraut. Customer services have even received their first request for a World Cup related death.

I'm sure it's the same punter every time. Yorkshire accent, short on manners, long on the ability to irritate. "Ave yer got a price on Lotthar Mattheus to be shot dead at the opening ceremony? Only, I was just thinking that's the sort of thing that might 'appen, what with all these terrorists."

And there are murders in the whacky world of PR too, where eager anticipation has given way to blind panic, not to mention a series of ridiculous requests.

Despite hunting high and low it appears I don't have enough beige socks. I'm usually a stickler for a blue suit, with a shirt and tie. But the future Mrs Hutchison says no-one wears ties anymore, particularly not on the telly, and I should just put on an open-necked shirt and a pair of chinos. Well that's all very good if you're Alan Hansen and you've a room full of socks to choose from, but what about the man with limited hosiery?

Where the hell am I going to get beige socks from at this time? Do they sell them at the airport? Do they sell them in Germany? Do they even wear socks in Germany? Where is Germany? Oh my God.

And to make matters worse one of Fleet Street's finest has just phoned up with the following request: "Is there any chance of a pair of tickets for the World Cup final - or I'll settle for one of the semis if not?"

"I can't see that being a problem mate," said I, "Let me see, yep I thought so - you're in luck. I've got a couple between Franz Beckenbauer and the German Chancellor here. It includes a night in a hotel with Heidi Klum before the match, a private concert by the Rolling Stones at half time and a flight to the moon with the winning captain afterwards. It's a good job you rang; otherwise they'd have gone to waste.

"I'll take that as a no then....?"

"Correct Einstein. Unless you've got any beige coloured socks?