Bet on England

If anyone knows any famous Anne’s (or Ann’s for that matter) could they please write them on the back of a sheep and send them into the office by St Swithin’s day please. The reason I ask is that it would seem I only know one. And she wasn't very appropriate in the circumstances.

Picture the scene: You're at the hire car desk at Frankfurt Airport and a pretty girl takes your driving licence off you to confirm your booking. Pleased as punch to be in Germany for the World Cup you're only too happy to indulge in small talk, particularly when it's conducted in English.

Now, having reached the age of thirty after being saddled with the Christian name Robin, I've heard all the quips. They usually go one of two ways - the first being a joke about Batman's imminent arrival or the other being a reference to Nottingham's first armed mugger. Well it was the latter in this case, but when she smiled sweetly and said "Robin as in Hood" I was more than ready to humour her. But her amusement turned to anguish when I looked at her name badge and heard this prat (me) mumble "Yes Anne, as in er.Frank"

Honestly, I hadn't even had a drink at this stage.

But in mitigation, Your Honour, it had been a long flight. Having convinced the Metropolitan Police I was a bookmaker and not a hooligan I got through Customs at Heathrow and squeezed into my seat next to a South American gentleman. And very nice he seemed too, when he'd stopped scratching his groin. After falling into conversation it turned out he was from Ecuador and was over to the watch the matches. But Argentina's matches for some reason. Puzzled as to why, I probed deeper but could ascertain that he supported them "because they're better and more likely to win it"

"Well I'm from Derby but I don't support AC Milan because they're better mate, or because they're more likely to win the Champions League. That's just wrong, in fact it's immoral."

After looking a little crestfallen for a few moments he replied: "Where is Derby?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked. It's a few miles down the road from Nottingham, as in Forest, as in Sherwood, as in Ro.oh forget it. Get back to your scratching. Argen-bloody-tina indeed!

Honestly I've not been here five minutes, and it's time I was hiding in an attic.