Bet on England

When I was a kid the only football to be seen with was the Adidas Tango. First used, if memory serves me correctly (which it probably doesn't), in the Mexico '86 World Cup and later adopted by Ron Atkinson's Manchester United, It was a thing of beauty and highly sought after. It also cost an arm and a leg which was why my mates and I all had a £5 black and white 'Casey' that went out of shape when it was kicked under a car. In itself the Casey was a step up from the plastic ones that melted when left within ten feet of a radiator, but it was never as good as the Tango.

Since around the time of its development, it would seem goalkeepers have been bleating about their balls at major tournaments. I note with some weariness that England's Paul Robinson is the latest. According to Adidas their newest creation is the most technical ever used and contains no stitching. According to Robinson it moves in the air and is not very "goalkeeper friendly." Perhaps he'd prefer the opposition to kick a giant beach ball at him or better still a cannon ball? Metatarsal specialists would struggle to cope but at least poor Paul would be able to catch it.

Without wishing to sound like my old man, he should follow the example of set by the late great Gordon Banks who donned the gloves in the 1966 Final. Now, for all I know Banksy was the biggest moaner around, but I don't remember reading any comments from the great man belly-aching about the equipment. Besides, I wonder how much sympathy he would have got telling everyone 'They're a bit heavy when they get wet' or 'the laces don't half sting your hands'?

If he preferred, Tottenham's stopper could learn from a current day exponent of ball control - the stripper who entertained my stag party on last weekend's trip to Edinburgh. Quickly dubbed the Maltese Falcon after revealing she hailed from the Mediterranean Island, Auld Reekie's finest had an eye-catching and somewhat unusual routine. The highlight, if you can call it that, is more commonly witnessed in the Far East, where an ancient knowledge and empathy with the ping-pong ball has been passed down through the generations. Despite the intricacies and complexities of controlling their flight she never once complained that they weren't 'stripper friendly.'

And we certainly knew when we'd been tangoed I can tell you..