Bet on England

How we were supposed to believe that a priceless piece of art would ever be concealed inside a giant sausage is beyond me. But for what seemed like decades my family were endlessly amused by the to'ings and fro'ings of the Fallen Madonna Wiv Ze Beeg Boobies.

It's hard to imagine the Nazi Occupation of France providing fertile ground for laughter but in 'Allo Allo' the boys at the BBC comedy department worked wonders. Coupled with Basil Fawlty's famous 'don't mention the war sketch' it's now difficult to view our German friends as being anything other than figures of fun. I think it's their accents as much as anything. That and their moustaches.

They were particularly amusing before and after England's game in Frankfurt yesterday, starting with the compere on the entertainment stage outside the ground. Despite sporting Europe's dodgiest handlebar 'tache he convinced a number of England supporters to take to the stage. He then put on some music and announced "Hey guys ve are going to hav a beeg party wiz Robbie Williams ya - ze vorld's best rock DJ!" Whilst a handful of Paraguayans began to jig in a slightly bemused fashion, the England supporters burst out laughing. He couldn't have cleared the stage quicker if he'd used tear gas.

The comedy value continued well into the night in the unlikely guise of the German riot squad. Dressed from head to toe in green these brave boys and girls did their best to keep a lid on things. Whilst there were a few young Herberts looking for a dust up, the vast majority were just up for the craic. A few beers in someone else's square and a good old sing-song, albeit in that slightly aggressive bare-chested way so beloved of us Brits.

The girl on the tannoy in the riot van started it off, imploring England's finest to "Calm down guys ve are 'aving a beeg party ya!" (Evidently they like their beeg parties) and "You guys are ze best ya, let's all be cool!" But her colleague who really entered into the spirit of things took some beating. After numerous choruses of 'In-ger-land" the assembled throng launched into "let's go f'ing mental" - to the tune of let's all do the conga. A little coarse, perhaps but mood capturing nevertheless. Particularly for this copper who began to pogo up and down in the middle of the stunned supporters, punching the air with his riot shield and looking every inch the mentalist. If his female friend had announced "Yeh Guys, let's going f'ing mental ya!!" there would have been people taken to hospital with split sides.

What Rene and Edith would have made of it I don't know.