Bet on England

According to Japanese scientists, robots will be beating us humans at football by the year 2050. Sadly they will have to do it without Peter Crouch it would seem. Apart from the fact he will be 49 by then, which is probably a little long in the tooth to be playing internationals, the big Liverpool striker has hung up his dancing shoes – at least for the time being. I can’t say I’m disappointed to be honest, as I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. In fact I must have been the only England supporter who thought he looked pretty rubbish.

It’s also got be a bonus that Coldplay’s Chris Martin is now unlikely to write a song about him. I’m told he announced at the Isle of White Festival at the weekend that he’d already penned some lyrics which included the chorus: “Get up off the sofa, get up off the couch, stop what you’re doing and do the Crouch.” For a band that was denied their first number one by the Crazy Frog they ought to be ashamed of themselves.

At least Big Crouchy is now concentrating on his footie instead. After being booked against Paraguay he’s threatening to adapt his style of play. Apparently the referees over here aren’t so keen on him jumping into people like he does back home in the Premiership. (Incidentally, are you aware that one in every 1,000 Germans is a registered referee? With a population of 77 million that means there are 77,000 of them running around. Explains a lot really).

He’ll certainly have his work cut out on Thursday though, when he takes on fellow beanpole Dennis Lawrence. The Trinidad and Tobago defender, who plies his trade at Wrexham when he’s not at the World Cup, is exactly the same height as Crouch – 6ft 7 in his stocking feet. The Soca Warriors proved they could close the quality gap with a more than respectable draw against Sweden the other day. But here’s hoping big Dennis can show Peter a few quality Calypso moves for the next time he decides to throw some shapes.

I tell you who else is big in Germany – David Hasselhoff. I saw him interviewed in Berlin the other day. Sadly he hadn’t brought along his talking car, but he and his impressively hairy chest were looking resplendent in the summer sunshine. The Hoff may not have had the chart success he deserves in the UK, but he still gives bands as big as Coldplay a run for their money in this country. And that’s because he writes proper songs about that even referees can relate to: love, loss, pain and pleasure. Bloody robots indeed…